Clarity, Pt 2

Tighten wordy sentences
Some phrases are redundant: 'is now employed' can be replaced with 'works'. Depending on the style of writing, this is frequently a good idea. Simplifying the structure is something I need to work on. I do use a lot of these phrases for effect, but they probably don't all work as well as a simpler sentence would.

Misplaced and dangling modifiers
Most of the time I can put a modifier where it ought to be, but sometimes it's hard to tell and sounds awkward no matter how I revise it. At times, again for effect, I will put them in places that compromise the meaning of the sentence.

Emphasize key ideas
Coordinating ideas requires careful analysis of the ideas in the sentence to determine which idea is more important to the message. This is a more subtle idea in revision which I intend to study more.
Punctuation is another key to emphasizing ideas to their best potential.

Choose appropriate language
I thought the slang section of this topic was funny; seeing the word 'yack' in a grammar handbook, even if it it's crossed out, was still a surprise. I have used some photojournalism jargon in my analyses, and I'll be careful not to do so in the more formal assignments.



Tighten wordy sentences
Original

A few months after this graphic image of the reality of famine was published in the New York Times, Carter was awarded the Pulitzer Prize amid heavy criticism from the public. When, a little over a year later, the photographer committed suicide, it was widely rumored that it was this criticism that prompted the act.

Revised
A few months after this graphic image of the reality of famine was published in the New York Times, Carter was awarded the Pulitzer Prize amid heavy criticism from the public. When, a little over a year later, the photographer committed suicide, it was widely rumored that it was this denunciation that prompted the act.

Misplaced and dangling modifiers
Original
So few people knew anything about what was happening during the scene in which the photo was shot. Would there have been such an outpouring of vitriol had the public known more?  

Revised
It was tragic that so few people knew anything about what was happening during the scene in which the photo was shot. Would there have been such an outpouring of vitriol had the public known more?  

Emphasize Key Ideas

Original

Even after the devastating loss of his best friend, photojournalist Ken Oosterbroeck, who was killed on the day he’d been away to be interviewed about winning the Pulitzer, Carter did his best to live up to the much sought after prize he’d been awarded, adding weight to the pressure he was already under from the attacks from the public, some even calling him “inhumane” for failing to assist the child in the photo. Even then, his strength seemed to be waning: “You could see it happening,” recalls Carter’s friend, Reedwaan Vally. “You could see Kevin sink into a dark fugue.”

Revised
In the months that followed, Carter did his best to live up to the much sought-after prize he’d won. The personal attacks from the public, with some calling his actions “inhumane” for failing to assist the child in the photo, had a profound effect on him. Then came another devastating blow: while Carter was away for an interview about the Pulitzer, his best friend, photojournalist Ken  Oosterbroeck, was killed. Already burdened with tremendous guilt, his strength waned.  “You could see it happening,” recalls Carter’s friend, Reedwaan Vally. “You could see Kevin sink into a dark fugue.”


Choose appropriate language
Original
Carter traveled back to Africa, spending time in Mozambique on assignment. Upon his return to the US, he discovered that his entire collection of film from the trip had been left on the plane, never to be recovered. 

Revised
Carter traveled back to Africa, spending time in Mozambique on assignment. When he returned to the US, he discovered that his entire collection of film from the trip had been left on the plane, never to be recovered.